Lying to YOURSELF!!!!
Oct 23, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivm_mhJVwfA

hey you guys welcome back to my channel
if you're new welcome to my channel
[Music]
good afternoon you guys welcome to
Wednesday it's the middle of the week
for you guys it's my weekend here
anyways I hope you guys are having a
wonderful wonderful start to your guys's
middle of the week it's been a pretty
good week here starting um there's been
a lot of good things going on on my neck
of the woods I guess you could say I
feel like I'm in a much better
headspace than I have been for a while
if you hear the kids in the background
they are playing with their toys that
they have been finding because we have
been cleaning spring summer fall
cleaning and you know when you find
things that are have been tucked away in
under beds and things like that it's
like it's become a whole new toy for
them even though they've had it for
years but something has come new and
they're in their sight so they're in
their plane having a ball and I figured
I'd come in here and make a small video
to chitchat with you guys for a little
bit update you guys on some things and
just gonna talk so anyways I first just
want to say thank you to everybody for
all the amazing responses back to my
last couple the live and also my other
video that I had made in response to
being abused in any sort of way is just
not OK and I stand firm to that by all
means I did wake up my live again I had
put it to sleep but I decided to wake it
back up because there was a lot of
people that were like hey Amy I normally
you know watch your lives after and I
you know went to go and find it and I
can't find it and so I had put it to
sleep because I thought you know it was
a closed subject but then I was like you
know what no it's not closed just yet
not yet however it's closed on my part I
think that I finally can say that I have
emotionally moved on from that dark
cloud that was hovered over me for so
long I finally have found to release it
let it go and move
I have to start focusing on me me only I
can not be focusing on other people I
cannot focus on other people that have
mental health issues I cannot focus on
other people that want to spew abuse and
negativity towards me as a my own person
and I have to protect myself as well as
protect my family and I'm ready to take
my life back you know I am ready to
finally start again focusing on me my
health my mental health my physical
health
everything everything into a all
together so with that I have really been
punching the goals of you know feeding
my body healthy and taking care of my
physical being which is you know getting
up and moving and being more active even
if it's just a little bit it's better
than nothing at this point and just
start really punching out all of the
things that I need to do to start making
a better ami so I just want to thank
everybody for your guys's support I've
had multiple people reach out to me that
I have not talked to for a very long
time wanting to you know he'll
relationships that were damaged due to
pass things and I'm so grateful for that
and so um you know I've always been a
believer of second chances and not just
second chances but I've always been a
big believer of always forgiving and
forgetting to a point you know you can
forgive and forget I don't think you
will ever forget everything but I
believe in forgiveness and when I
believe somebody is worthy of being
forgiven because I'm not perfect either
and I know I've come to people and ask
for forgiveness and I myself would hope
that people can forgive me for things
that I've done or said or you know moves
that I've made that might have hurt
somebody else I want to be able to
extend that and be the same so anyways
that's the that's that's that somebody
well a few people said well you know why
make a video like you did spewing out
dirty laundry basically of a
relationship that you were choosing to
close off that is because the person and
then the beginning put this all out
there on somebody else's public forum
and so because of that it brought
attention I didn't even know the the
person wrote anything on somebody else's
form until somebody came to me I was
like uh what is this so it was basically
brought on from somebody else and I just
needed to clarify on my part what my
place was in this whole situation and
subject and so it wasn't like I was
taking something and putting it out
there for all to know just because I
randomly did it no it was taken out from
somebody from the person they put the
information out there I just followed
behind with my side because like
somebody told me and I and I really
stick to this as there's always three
sides to every story there's their side
your side and there's the truth and I
believe that you know that is very very
very true and I think having both sides
and then combining them together the
truth will finally come out at some
point
so because you got their version your
version and then the real version and I
just was stating the real version of
what was happening so that's why I did
what I did but enough of that that
person won't be talked about anymore on
my channel my hands are washed 100% with
it I don't want to speak about this
person no more this person is a hundred
percent out of my life and out of my
family's life I am moving on and this
person I hope moves on I hope this
person finds you know the help that they
need and that they find the the peace
that they need to have within themselves
because I know that that's what I'm
doing and I'm gonna pursue and continue
to keep searching for the peace because
that's what I want and I'm going to
continue to go to my counselling and I'm
going to continue to keep growing as a
person because I know that I'm a better
person than what I have been showing
lately and so yeah anywho um let's see
something I was going to talk about
today in just I mean
it's kind of been a it's been a hot
topic around YouTube land basically I'm
just gonna say that um I'm not saying
this because I'm trying to catch clout
because I don't need clout it's been
very popular of a conversation in a
topic of body positivity and you know
I've done a lot of watching our videos
lately of different youtubers some for
some not so much some are for it but in
different you know different ways and I
feel like I have my own version of how I
feel about body positivity and the way
that I feel about the whole subject I
definitely believe in body positivity to
a point um I believe that you should
feel confident because you put yourself
where you're at um you know nobody did
this to you nobody made you the person
you are you made yourself this person so
I'm hoping and praying that you can be
comfortable and confident within the
person that you've created but that
doesn't mean that you don't want to
change things as I sit here today I
think back from when I was a little bit
younger and I wasn't as big as I was now
but I still was large I was 350 pounds
so it's about a hundred pounds more than
what I am now and I remember back then I
always was told by people khadi me you
just walk into a room like you own it
you know you have the confidence that I
wish that I had and I did I mean I owned
the room I own the situation I owned
where the whatever was going on I owned
it and I would come in dress really cute
had my I never really was a makeup where
I really wasn't I always and I still do
wear like lip gloss and stuff but that's
not you're never gonna find me putting
on foundation that is just too much work
um but you know I always would wear you
know very cute clothing always trend
my attitude was always positive and just
upbeat but I noticed that my attitude
started declining when my physical being
started declining which was like my back
hurting my knees giving me problems and
things like that 350 pounds ago did it
mean that I still did that I was okay
with being that size um I was okay with
me that size because that was where I
was at but it again didn't mean that I
didn't want to change myself
I'm 450 pounds up well 150 pounds up boy
let me let me phrase I'm not even a
hundred fifty pounds a hundred pounds up
from the 350 and I still have that same
mentality to a point no I don't carry
the confidence that I used to I'm more
angry of a person because I walk in pain
I'm always an enjoyable pain like I was
just talking to all of it today I was
just like you know I'm miserable I am a
prisoner of my own body and I can't do
this anymore I have for so long waited
for others to do the job for me and
clearly nobody's gonna do the job for me
so I guess I gotta pack my bags and do
it myself which clearly we all knew that
was the that was what was gonna happen
to have to happen to begin with but you
have to hit a point I think to where
you're just like okay I'm ready to
change but here's where it kind of gets
tricky and this is where I think that
some people take the word body
positivity to a whole another level so
back about six months ago maybe even
seven months ago I reached out to a girl
and I maybe some of you guys know her
maybe some of you guys don't but her
name is Whitney Way thore she is on the
TLC show how do you guys mean no like
I've heard of her her name is Whitney
Way thore she was on my big fat fabulous
life and I I've personally
to her quite a few times actually
through social media and stuff VA you
know DMS through Instagram and through
Facebook and things like that so I've
talked to her a little bit not like on a
bestfriend level please don't think it's
that but I mean I have talked to her and
so I had approached her one day and I
was talking to her about my youtube
channel and kind of like what I was
promoting at the you know because at the
beginning of all of this I had changed
my life around and I had lost 78 pounds
and I was doing it on a healthy matter I
wasn't doing it where I was like
starving myself or any of that good Jeff
I mean I was doing what I needed to do
and you know we got talking and she was
like you know I'm sorry but I just can't
promote your channel and I was like well
why not like it's you know it's a
channel of trying to get healthy and you
know trying to pass that message along
that you know Here I am I'm this size
and I am working my tail off but here
I'm struggling at the same time because
we're all human and we all have
struggles and she's like because I'm
against any type of dieting because I
believe in body positivity and I stopped
and I kind of got offended for a minute
I was like what like wait a minute hold
on so you're against dieting you're
against eating healthy or taking care of
your body because your body positivity
like then it's not making sense to me
and I you know I wrote her back and it's
like okay I was like you know I
appreciate you know your truth you know
I appreciate you telling me but I'm
still just lost at confusion here I'm
like really confused as to the message
then that you are putting out for all to
watch on TLC now I have read people
state you know that she my feeling of
what I was getting was the way that she
was being perceived as that her message
her message through her show is that
it's okay to be big and we're talking
morbidly obese we're not talking like a
little overweight we're talking like
big and you know she's an active girl
I'm not good as the why she dances she
travels she you know me she is a very
active person but you can still want to
change your life at some given point
because you want to take care of your
body yes I get that you can accept your
body yes I understand that but you also
have to take care of your body too
you're not just here to accept your body
the way it is and never try and change
unless you really are enjoying your life
the way it is for me I don't enjoy my
life I don't enjoy being a prisoner of
my own skin I don't I don't enjoy not
being able to get up and do the things
that I want to do on a daily basis
because my body hurts or because I'm too
tired I'm exhausted I can barely keep my
eyes open why is because I'm carrying
around three human bodies rather than
just carrying around one body on my
bones and my joints and so because of
that yeah I do get tired quickly and
I've seen you know some other youtubers
that are promoting bazi body positivity
but I feel like they're doing it in such
an ass backwards way I'm sorry but I can
get you being positive about your body
but does that mean that you don't still
take care of your body like I say here
and I watched this channel and this
person you know is very much into body
positivity but yet this person like in
48 hours did three huge mukbangs and you
know then I see this person to him up
beings left and right but then they're
talking about body positivity that I I
literally was looking at this person
last night on one of the videos and I
just seen such sadness such sadness for
this person and I believe this person is
truly sad I don't think this person is
proud of what they have done I don't
think this person is
I don't see this person being very proud
of their body that they have I don't
think that this person is proud of the
you know the lifestyle that they've
chosen to live but I think that it is
their cop-out to say well I believe in
body positivity so because of that I'm
going to you know and gorge my life with
every type of food out there because I'm
accepting my body the way it is yes you
can accept your body but if you're
throwing down you know a 3,000 to 6,000
calorie mill you know and you're gaining
weight on top of what you already weigh
how is that being bought body positivity
I'm not getting it like are you saying
like the the message I guess I'm
confused because the message that is not
coming across correctly because I'm not
understanding it and this might be just
my own problem maybe I'm the only one
that's confused by it but in your words
of body positivity are you saying that
body positivity is you just 100% stop
taking care of your body and you just do
what you want and you eat whatever you
want and you don't be active as much as
you want and you're just gonna accept
your body how it continues to grow and
form into something or are you screaming
for the fact that you truly are unhappy
but you again you're using food to cope
with that and how happiness so in your
mind you're going to brainwash yourself
that this is all for body positivity
messaging but in reality it's you
screaming saying I'm hurting I'm alone I
feel like I'm fighting this battle alone
so I'm going to just engorge in this
food because it's my comfort it's what
makes me feel good but I'm gonna lie to
myself and say it's because I believe in
body positivity it just doesn't make
sense to me it the messages are not
adding up because again like I said I
believe in body positivity I believe
that yes you should accept the body
you're in
I don't believe that there should be any
person out there walking ashamed of the
person that they are in the manner that
you're going to hide away from public or
you know not be the person that you can
be because of being ashamed of what you
are right now but it doesn't mean you
don't want to change the body you're in
because you're not happy so like for me
I believe in body positivity but that
doesn't mean I don't want to physically
still change my inner my outer being I
don't want to change my inner beam
because I accept Who I am in my inside
but I don't accept this because this is
uncomfortable this is going to kill me
and this is my bars
it's my prison I'm just covered in a
prison and I don't want that anymore so
for me yes I want to change I accept
what I am right now but it doesn't mean
I don't want to take care of my my shell
and make it better because I want that
shell to be my safe haven one day when I
can literally walk and engage in
activity with my children and my husband
and travel and do my rock climbing and
go in my air balloon that I want my hot
air balloon that I want to go on you
know there's something called body
positivity but there's also something
called wanting to live a life and
sitting behind a camera and sending a
message that body positivity means you
can engorge yourself and basically kill
yourself because you're being positive
about your body is just not a message to
me and it literally makes me want to cry
for this person because I see this
person so sad when they are making the
video they literally can't even look at
the camera
because you can just see the
shamefulness on this person's forehead
they're not happy so where's the
positivity where is the
dents you tell me maybe I'm wrong maybe
I'm not understanding it maybe maybe I
totally got body positivity completely
in backwards but for me I just don't see
where that's being positive when you
look at somebody and they look like
they've had the life sucked out of them
because literally that's what they're
doing they are sucking the life out of
them because they are creating a prison
within themselves that it's just gonna
continue to keep growing to the point
where there's gonna be no more room to
grow and I don't have any room to speak
honestly because I'm a prison of my own
body but the reason I feel like I have
room to speak is because I am in motion
that I'm changing that I am losing my
prison you know yes I lost a lot of my
prison and turned around he regained it
some of my person did it mean it was
because I was accepting my body the way
it was absolutely not I hit a rock in
the road and I went back to what I knew
best to comfort me during that time and
is that an excuse absolutely not I have
a lot of work ahead of me in the months
around the late February to the middle
of March I have a really hard time
during that time of the year that's when
I lost my baby and I find myself very
sad during that time I find myself very
emotionally alone
I'm not alone and I know that and I know
I have a wonderful support system all
around me during that time but because
food has been my comfort that's what I
go for
so it's throwing me off and I have a
very hard time getting back on board
once I've thrown myself off but I have
been making a lot of changes the last
two weeks and I can successfully say
that I'm feeling very proud of my
success and my you know the approach
that I've been making with intuitive
eating again that's another message you
know intuitive eating is not about
dieting and I'm not dieting I have
changed my lifestyle but
just because I changed my lifestyle
doesn't mean I don't still accept Who I
am but it also doesn't mean that I don't
want to change the person I am so maybe
this all totally doesn't make sense
maybe I'm totally confused a million
people out there I hope not I hope this
came across the way I meant for it to
come across again this video is not
being made to cast shade on anybody
other than hoping that the person that
is in my heart while I'm speaking this
message maybe is watching this and I
just want this person to know that you
are not okay you're not okay you have to
start working within your own self
accept yourself where you're at right
now but it doesn't mean that just
because you're accepting yourself right
now that you don't want to change
because I see sadness written all over
you
and I see you want to change I see it in
your eyes
but again us people that struggle with
this eating addiction you feel like it's
such a strong hold on you that you just
can't get it right and I understand that
because I have been there and I am there
I feel that way sometimes where I'm just
like when's it gonna all change when is
it gonna click when am I gonna finally
just pick up and know exactly what I'm
supposed to be doing why is it so hard
why can't I just be like everybody else
and just have a normal relationship with
food but again there's no normalcy when
it comes to something that is an
addiction your addiction is never gonna
be a normal thing it never will my food
will never be a normal thing for me I
have to for the rest of my life be very
cautious around something that I have to
have but I have to be very cautious and
on alert every single time I take a bite
of something to make sure that it's
going to help me rather than kill me and
that I'm not going to try and brainwash
myself to believe that I'm accepting
these things because
otherwise I wouldn't be being positive
because that's the difference anyways I
hope you guys take care again I hope
this video doesn't confuse others but it
might reach the people that need to hear
it because it definitely has been
something on my mind and on my heart the
last few days especially the last few
weeks with everything I've been going
through and changing myself and yeah so
take care of you guys and I will talk to
you guys again real soon bye